Sorry guys. I haven't been around for awhile. Xanga just isn't my cup of tea anymore. You can find me at Myspace, Facebook or Cafemom most of the time. Here is a little something I wrote today though:
As I am looking through people's Facebook profiles, I see that so many
people have graduated and moved on to jobs and marriage. I see
journalism students who have completed internships and who are
finishing up classes. I am filled to the top with envy and regret. I
look back on four years of college and three majors, and no diploma. I
should have been joining those students in an internship and finished
up my News 485 project. Instead I sit on this crappy couch, in this
crappy house on the southeast end of Muncie with no money, no job, and
no portfolio, internship experience or degree. I wonder what the hell
happened along the way and what brought me here. What lowered my
motivation so much that I quit and wasted $26,000 in the process. I
could be finished up and graduating in December, but Ball State denied
me financial aid since I've been out of school for a few years and
withdrew one semester. So I am helpless. No money to finish, so no
degree for me like I expected this winter. And to top it off I get an
email from Ball State saying they are deactivating my e-mail address
and I won't be able to access anything on the BSU site.
I know I am smarter than the high school degree and that I could do
well in a graphic design job, but there's no "some college" option.
It's either no college degree or college degree. I have skills, I just
don't have the degree to prove it. Sometimes I wish I could start over.
Do all of my core classes and then decide what I wanted to do. Anyone
interested in going into the federal loan system and deleting my
financial aid history?
I look in the mirror and I see this person 70 lbs. heavier than what I
was in high school and I'm disgusted. I am disgusted by the stretch
marks, the fat roll on my belly and my double chin. I walked 5 miles
yesterday and I literally felt like I was going to collapse on the hot
sidewalk. I don't have money to eat healthy. Boxed meals, Totinos
pizzas and Ramen noodles get me by.
What has happened to my life and how do I get out of this rut, debt, hole??
On the contrary, I see my daughter develop every day. This little thing
that has more than doubled in size in the past five months, who is
reaching for toys, rolling from side to side, makes new noises every
day, etc. etc. etc. etc. Somewhere inside it gives me a little hope and
motivation to make my life better. I just don't know where to start.
Ironically, I am resorting to my original plan. I am going to apply to
be a substitute teacher and see what happens (I started out in
elementary education). Maybe I can save enough money up to finish that
degree and get out of financial hell. Unfortunately my other half is in
a worse financial situation than me. Our best option might be filing
bankruptcy, starting over financially. I never wanted that to happen at
the ripe ages of 24 & 27, but I want to provide my children with a
decent life like I had (and my parents aren't rich by any means. They
worked their butts off for everything they have...and they have a lot
to show for it).
After all this complaining I take another close, hard look at my life
and realize that even though I have messed up along the way, I am
blessed. I have a beautiful three person family here, and a wonderful
supportive HUGE family back in Wabash (who I long to be closer to,
moving to Wabash next year). My daughter is the love of my life, and
although she was definitely an "accident," I wouldn't turn back time
and change having her. Although she has completely eliminated my once
flourishing social life, I wouldn't spend my minutes, hours, days and
weeks with anyone but her. Her smile brightens my day and holding her
in my arms watching her suck on that bottle closes my day down. And as
far as messing up goes, it could be a lot worse. The first step to
fixing the problem is admitting you have one, and I definitely admit
it. Lack of motivation is completely on me and now I will have to work
my ass off to change it.
My whirlwind of a life is ultimately filled with wonderful people, great memories, failures, and unexpected blessings.
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